I've read a lot and heard a lot about adoptions lately. I wanted to take the time to clear up some misconceptions. I know that for the most part these misconceptions are completely innocent, but to those involved, they are very real. I'm also fully aware that there are some naysayers out there, and nothing I (nor anybody else) say will change their minds.
*Birthmothers are NOT all strung out, drug abusing people. Many birthmothers are simply in a place in life that they are unable to care for their baby the way they want/think the child deserves, so by placing the baby in another home, they are actually giving that baby all they could not.
*Birthmothers are NOT all teenagers. Many are in their 20s and 30s. Some are in their 40s.
*Teenage birthmothers are NOT selfish. Placing a baby is often a very hard and heart-wrenching decision. Teen (and other age) birthmothers are not always placing their baby out of convenience. They are placing out of love.
*Birthmothers do NOT give up their babies, they place them in loving homes.
*Open adoption is not a bad thing. There are tremendous benefits to everyone involved in open adoptions. Some people who benefit are birth families (mother, father, grandparents, etc), adopted child, and adoptive families (mother, father, grandparents, etc).
*Birthmothers are NOT always alone. Many times the birthfather and/or birth grandparent(s) are also involved.
*Being adopted does not define who a child is, it's simply part of their story.
*Yes, matches (when a birthmother has chosen a family but the baby has not been born yet) do fail on occasion, and yes, reclaims (when the birthmother decides to parent) do happen, but not all domestic adoptions are doomed to fail.
*No, with the laws today, if followed precisely, reclaim lawsuits are not with tons of merit. There are processes to go through with tribal relinquishments as well as birthfather and birthmother relinquishments. Yes, these do happen, but as long as laws are followed, this is rare. That's what adoption attorneys are for.
*Yes, there are people who are involved with emotional scams. Reputable adoption agencies are able to recognize *most* of them. Unfortunately, there is still heartbreak involved.
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What to say/not to say to a waiting family:
*Not a good idea: "Do you have a baby yet?" Better: "We're thinking about you and keeping you in mind if we hear of somebody wanting to place."
*Not a good idea: "How could a mother give up her child? I could never do it." Better: "What a difficult time this must be for the birthmother. I'll keep her in my thoughts."
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Thoughts to keep to yourself:
*Not a good idea: "I could never adopt. I don't want to raise somebody else's child." Many thanks, she IS my child.
*Not a good idea: "I couldn't adopt. I just couldn't handle the fear of losing the child." Isn't losing a child ANY parent's WORST nightmare? I'm not afraid of "losing" Linus to her birthmother, but my biggest fear is losing her to any other possibility: cancer, car accident, etc.
Not a good idea: "All adopted children have emotional problems." Really? Name one of Linus's problems.
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One last thought:
I know many people fear that the adopted child will eventually want to meet his/her birth family. Truthfully, I think many first time adoptive families have that fear in the beginning. It subsides relatively quickly for most though. I actually LOVE Linus's birthmom. I make sure Linus knows I love her birthmom. I want her to know it's ok with me if she wants to meet her. Many adopted children fear hurting the parents who raised them if they choose to meet the birth family. I don't want that fear to keep Linus from doing something she wants to do. Her birthmom and birth grandmom are FABULOUS people. If she wants to meet them, I'd fully support her. I feel it's her decision to make, though, not mine. I also make sure Linus knows her birthmom's decision to place was guided by her love for Linus. She wanted Linus to have everything she wasn't able to give her at that point in her life. Linus knows her birth story. We keep nothing from her, nor do we plan to. She happily tells people she grew in my heart. And, my goodness, is she right---my heart swells daily with love for her! :)
If you have anything to add or any questions, please let me know! :)
ETA: Please be sure to look at Jamielee's comment in the comment section. She has a great point.
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3 comments:
Well said, my friend! This is all really good info that I don't think many people know and that not many talk about.
An Extra GOOD PSA...
Yes, matches fail and reclaims happen in open adoption, but it's a very small percentage. It's just that we only hear about the "bad/sad" things in the news. These same people who say that they couldn't adopt because of the fear of a match falling through or a reclaim forget that not all pregnancies end up with a happy and healthy baby at the end either. Something like 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most are very early before the mother even knew she was pregnant. The statistics for failed adoption are no where near that high.
Great post! Thanks for writing it!
Great post!!!
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