Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My Amazing Dad

I'm having trouble going to sleep tonight. My mind won't give in and let my tired body sleep. I'm painfully aware that by going to sleep tonight, I'll wake up tomorrow, and with tomorrow's dawn brings the new part of my identity--the part I never wanted to have. This morning was the last day I got to wake up without a huge hole in my heart. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want to hold on to today as long as I possibly can. Technically it's already tomorrow (I tweaked the date stamp on this entry), but since I haven't slept yet, I can still pretend it's not. Today, I can say I saw my dad. I touched my dad. I kissed his forehead. I hugged him. It all ended today though.

Today my dad passed away.

Today my heart broke.

Today I woke up as a girl with a living father. Beginning tomorrow, and for the remainder of my life, I'll be a girl with a father who is no longer living. A girl who can never again hear his voice. Hear him tell me how proud of me his is. I can no longer watch him dissolve my girls into precious giggles with his antics. I am so thankful that I did have those opportunities despite the pain I feel right now.

As thankful as I am, though, I just can't give in to sleep. I want to hold on to today as long as I possibly can...

The day I got to be with my dad.

The last day he was alive.

To see what an amazing man he was, read here and here.