Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My Amazing Dad

I'm having trouble going to sleep tonight. My mind won't give in and let my tired body sleep. I'm painfully aware that by going to sleep tonight, I'll wake up tomorrow, and with tomorrow's dawn brings the new part of my identity--the part I never wanted to have. This morning was the last day I got to wake up without a huge hole in my heart. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want to hold on to today as long as I possibly can. Technically it's already tomorrow (I tweaked the date stamp on this entry), but since I haven't slept yet, I can still pretend it's not. Today, I can say I saw my dad. I touched my dad. I kissed his forehead. I hugged him. It all ended today though.

Today my dad passed away.

Today my heart broke.

Today I woke up as a girl with a living father. Beginning tomorrow, and for the remainder of my life, I'll be a girl with a father who is no longer living. A girl who can never again hear his voice. Hear him tell me how proud of me his is. I can no longer watch him dissolve my girls into precious giggles with his antics. I am so thankful that I did have those opportunities despite the pain I feel right now.

As thankful as I am, though, I just can't give in to sleep. I want to hold on to today as long as I possibly can...

The day I got to be with my dad.

The last day he was alive.


To see what an amazing man he was, read here and here.

18 comments:

Daisy JD said...

Prayers for all of you.

Emily said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers for peace for everyone.

Doreen said...

I'm so so sorry. :o( Hugs.

brainella said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are all in my thought and prayers.

Jami said...

You're in my thoughts, Jen. I do think the mornings are the worst--that first moment when you open your eyes and remember the world is not the same. Big hugs.

Lori said...

Jen - That made me cry. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Natalie said...

I'm so sorry for you loss Lanny. :(
Natalie

Monkling said...

I'm so sorry. Know you're in my prayers.

stephkins said...

Jen, I am thinking of you during this very hard time. I read your blog and can not imagine a more beautiful thing to say about someone.

Big hugs my friend,
Stephanie

Leeann said...

Oh sweet girl, I am so sorry. Nothing reduces us to the little girls we really are like our Daddies. My heart breaks for you.

Sending a huge amount of love your way.

katy said...

I'm so sorry. I have tears in my eyes just reading about your loss, I can't imagine how you must feel.

Katie and Bob said...

ugh...so sorry Lanny! We are here for you...

jojo said...

Oh Lanny, I am so sorry. I know this will be a difficult time for you and I pray that you will find Grace and Peace with your memories. I will keep you close in my thoughts and my heart. Take care now and get some rest. jj

Jackietex said...

Lanny, I'm sorry I just read this today. I will lift you and your family in prayer. You know I just lost my father in December. Last week we buried him, and my mother's ashes at Arlington National Cemetary. My family was so proud--and happy that his dream of being buried at Arlington of fulfilled. It's so tough to deal with the loss of a parent--the people who were always there are gone. But they really aren't. Take care of yourself.

Alice said...

Oh, Lanny. I hadn't been to your blog in awhile. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I hope that you are beginning to find some peace. I hope that your pain will slowly be replaced with happy memories of times spent together. I hope your faith continues to let you see that your dad is shining down on you now.

Prayers, dear friend.

katy said...

Hi Lanny. I am just checking in on you. I hope everything is going well for you. Keep us updated.

jojo said...

I was just thinking of you and thought I would stop by...take care sweetpea..;p

katy said...

STill checking in once in a while. I hope you are all fine. I miss hearing about your family.