I'm sad tonight. I've actually been thinking about this for several weeks now. I know some of my friends from another group that I'm a member of will understand (and for those of you waiting for your first or second, please know I'm not trying to offend you at all!).
Before I say anything, I *do* know that I have two fabulous children. I love them dearly, and I think that's apparent from my posts. They mean the world to me, and I cannot imagine my life without them. I'm so sad, though, that this is likely the end of the road for babies for me. I've always dreamed of a big family--not octomom big, but big nonetheless. While I'm happy for people who have newborns, I want to experience that one more time so badly. I know Lolly is still young, and I absolutely adore the age she is now, but I just don't have that finished having children feeling. My arms and heart ache when I see a newborn. While I'm not ready for a newborn right this very second, I'm also not ready to close that door for the future.
For whatever reason, I keep torturing myself too. For the members of the other group I referenced earlier, I look at the monthly stats every single month. This month, we would have gone out several times. I don't know why that hurts so badly--maybe the what if? I also keep playing back exactly what was going on with Lolly one year ago on a daily basis. I miss that. I miss the non obvious pregnancy blossoming into the quite obvious one. I miss the dr's appointments. I miss the excitement. And I miss the final result: a new life to hold and nurture. A new life to revel in. A new life to stare at for hours on end, to breathe in with every breath I take, to love, to cherish, to help mold in to a wonderful little being.
I love all the new experiences Linus gives me, and I love watching Lolly grow, but I'm not ready to acknowledge that it's over. As Lolly turns another month older, I relish in her accomplishments, yet I mourn the fact that I'll never get to witness it first hand with another. It certainly doesn't upset me so much that I can't enjoy Lolly, but it's there lurking in the back of my mind.
Lolly is getting old enough that some of her newborn toys, equipment, and clothing need to be given away, yet I can't do it. Thankfully I do need to send my sister some newborn clothes, but the rest of it? It's in Lolly's room. I can't do it. I just can't. Packing things away as Linus grew wasn't hard for me. This time, it's killing me.
I don't want to sound ungrateful. I am incredibly thankful for the two children I have. I'm just having a difficult time coming to grips with this being the end of the road baby-wise. :( I keep waiting for reality to sink totally in, but it just hasn't yet.
9 comments:
Believe me - I get it. I was where you are 15 or so years ago. And, yet, the only advice I can give you is it'll get better. Or lessen, maybe, is a better way of putting it. I think you've got my email if you need it.
Lanny...I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, my friend. I'm sending you a quick e-mail...
Hugs. Even after four kids, I do sometimes feel melancholy that the itty bitty baby days are over. My head tells me that I most certainly have all I can handle at home, but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel sad that I won't be giving birth again, cuddle another little baby, take in the scents of newborn sweetness... Ah, I understand. Hugs.
I'm sad that I'm finished with little bity babies, but I'm also excited about the days ahead. My baby days are over, but my "kid" days are just beginning. One stage in my life is over, and another is just beginning! I'm ready to be past the baby stage - no more diapers or bottles or potty training. BUT, every now and then, I do feel the tug on my heartstrings, but in my heart of hearts, I know 2 is it for me and 2 kids completes our family. We are ready to move on to a new stage of our life.
I'm sorry that you are feeling sad. Can you tell me why 2 has to be it? I don't think I knew that.
For me, I know I'll have more, I just don't know if I will be having any more biological kids or not. That makes me sad in a sense, yet I feel pulled in the other direction much more. Hugs and Love.
Oh Lanny, I'm sorry this is pressing on your heart so much. Is it a matter of finances or is Army not on board for another? I wouldn't give away Lolly's stuff just yet. Since the biological clocking ticking is not an issue, you just never know what miracles might happen to make your family complete.
Natalie
I had my two very young. I was 23 when my DD was born and my son was two. I knew then I never wanted another....until they got older and I realized I wanted another child. I kept putting it off thinking I would get myself in better shape, save up some money etc. and I finally realized a couple of years ago that I am too old to do it again. It makes me so sad when I see a baby, but it is getting easier with time.
I wish I could say I relate, but that would be wrong. Dad's just don't tend to go through this as their counterparts do.
With that said, I hope this feeling is replaced with something even more wonderful for you...
Oh, Lanny. I am so, so sorry for you. And I don't know that I can quite relate, but in a way I can. My husband wants this child (the one I'm pregnant with now) to be our only. I'm not so sure. And, so, on that level --I can relate to what you're feeling. I'm loving being pregnant and experiencing all these "firsts" but a part of me is sad thinking these might be my "onlys." But it sounds like your situation is one that is out of your control/hands.
Just know that God has an amazing way of filling our broken hearts and empty arms...even if it's not how we would have thought to do it. Many prayers for you, my friend. I think it would be strange if you did not mourn this loss. I mourn for you, too.
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