Extra Squished

If you have a Y chromosome, stop reading NOW!

On Wednesday I had to get a mammogram. I was not expecting to be sent for one, which is likely a good thing because I would have dreaded it for days and days.  When I got there, the lady was very nice, but as I'm standing there baring it all, she's chatting. She finally told me that she was chatting because the images are computerized now, and the computer takes a minute to reload after each image.  Well, isn't that great.  Doesn't everyone love to stand there half naked chatting?

All in all the mammogram wasn't as awful as I expected. It certainly wasn't pleasant, but I was expecting worse.  

BUT, then I was sent for an ultrasound too.  While I had to wait for my ultrasound, I had to sit in this small room. They don't let you get dressed while you wait, so there were several ladies in there with only paper sheets draped over their shoulders (no arm holes, just short drapes).  Lovely, huh?  This is one of those situations that you really just want to blend into the wall and not make any eye contact.  Somehow though, I'm never quite that lucky.  A sweet (and very scared) little older lady began chatting with me in all of my semi-nakedness.  I willed myself to disappear, but it didn't happen.  Then this lady began to tell me how scared she was.  Truly, she was a very sweet lady and I do understand that she was scared.  I wanted to reassure her, but I also wanted to crawl under my seat. I thought momentarily about hiding in one of the dressing rooms too.  Anyway, as this lady began to explain the reason for her fear, she OPENED HER DRAPE to show me her scar that ran the entire length OF HER CHEST!  HELLO???  YOU HAVE NOTHING ON, Lady!  So, then I'm debating whether to look quickly in that direction so I can agree with her about how awful it is, or if it would be too rude to just ignore it entirely.  

Unfortunately it didn't end there.  Then she began telling me that her gynecologist had done a breast exam and decided to send her for a mammogram. But was telling me enough?  Oh heck no! She began to SHOW me.  To quote her, "He rolled my breasts around feeling them up and down." She said this while DOING exactly what the doctor did.  

Like I said, she truly was just scared and looking for reassurance.  And I really did feel bad for her because you could see the fear on her face and hear it in her voice.  Had it been my grandmother (who by the way would have NEVER shown her goods), I would have hoped somebody would have listened to her and helped ease her fears rather than ignore her.  But at the same time, I didn't want to see what she had!  

Funny thing is, when they called her back, she held her drape down as low as she could in the back (which was only about 1/2 was down---those drapes are short!), so people couldn't see her naked back! 

But does my day end there? Oh heck no!  

I get called back for my ultrasound BY A MAN!!!!!  Here's the thing, I don't want a female doing an ultrasound on me, but I sure enough don't want a man fondling my breast with an ultrasound wand. Ever.  And keep in mind I've done the whole fertility thing, which involves more ultrasounds in the southern region than you could ever imagine possible, so I'm quite used to them.  

And yet again, it doesn't end there.

When I got back there, I find out that there is a student who will be watching the whole procedure.  Lovely. So now about half of my city has seen my boobs.

Still not over.

The guy tells me to remove my drape from my left side.  While I was in the waiting room, I was freezing, so one of the techs took mercy on me and got me a robe-ish thing that you stick your right arm through an armhole, drape it around your back, put your left arm through, then drape it around the front and back around your right arm again.  In order to take it off your left arm, you must first remove it from your right.  As I began removing it, the guy said, "No, your left arm."  I told him I had one of the RLR robes, and I couldn't figure how to take it off my left arm without taking it off my right arm first.  He tried to figure it out, but he couldn't figure a way either, so he said just take the whole thing off. Lovely.  Then it GOT STUCK ON ME!  Apparently I twisted it some putting it on, and I couldn't for the life of me get it off.  He watch the whole freaking time as I struggled with something that should be so simple.  I think it was my subconscious not wanting to literally disrobe right there.  I finally got it off, and he tells me to get on the table, which is of course a thousand feet in the air. I'm short, so I can't easily hike my hip up on most doctor's tables.  He looks for the stool as I'm trying to figure how to gracefully attempt to climb up while half naked.  Then he announces, "I can't find the stool. If you don't mind, I'll just pick you up."  Um, I DO MIND! Don't touch me anymore than you already have to.  I ended up doing the little maneuver that you do when you're getting out on the side of a pool without a ladder--I put my hands on the table/bed, which was about boob level, hoisted myself up, and did a half turn so I was sitting on the bed.  You'd think he'd keep his mouth shut, but no! He said, "Nice move.  Sorry I can't find the stool, but I've got to say, you sure don't act act like you're as old as you are."  And now I officially hate him, even if he did tell me exactly what to expect the entire time. 

Nice, huh?

Unfortunately, this isn't my most embarrassing experience with an ultrasound.  Boy am I a lucky girl!

Extra Foot? Insert in Mouth

I was talking with friends recently about foot-in-mouth situations. I have two distinct ones, though I'm pretty certain I have others that I'm choosing to forget. Believe it or not, neither of these two were part of my most embarrassing moments list from a week or so ago.

The first time I remember inserting my foot in my mouth was in high school. I was taking to a guy I had a crush on. I knew he had a really cool car, I had seen it! We were standing on a balcony one morning before school watching cars go by. As one car pulled in, I commented that I hated that type of car, and I could never date somebody who drove one. Yes, I know that was shallow, but I was in high school. I looked back at him, and I knew immediately I had said the wrong thing. Did I just shut up? Oh, but no. I looked at him and said, "Oh come on, I've seen your car. I know you don't drive one of those. They are the ugliest things I've ever seen, and I know you wouldn't buy one." He looked at me and said, "Nope, you're right. I wouldn't buy one." I wondered why he stressed the word buy, but I still didn't get it. In fact, I didn't get it until he walked away and another friend walked up to me and asked what the heck I had just said (she saw his face before he walked off). I told her, and she immediately let me know what an idiot I was. Nope, he wouldn't buy one because he already had one. Ugh! He usually drove his "cool" car to school, but he had his deceased grandfather's old car too. The same car I had just belittled. I felt SO bad. He's a really good guy though. To this day, he still gives me a huge hug every time I see him. In fact, in a round about way, he's partly responsible for my engagement ring. :)

My other time was recently. Linus was really the one that did the foot sticking, but it was my fault. Her whole life, I've been telling her "no touching" when we go to public restrooms. We've walked into more than one stall and turned around and walked out because the seat was filthy. We went to visit one of my good friends from college recently. Linus really had to go to the potty, but the only potty that wasn't occupied in her house was in the master bedroom. She walked us back there, and was still in there as Linus took a look at the seat, panicked and announced that she could not use such a dirty potty. It wasn't dirty at all, but the paint was chipped on the seat. Thankfully she has three children and was completely used to kids saying things like that. I felt so badly though!

A Little Extra Utensil Lesson

I know all children mispronounce words, usually at horrifically embarrassing times, but every time I think of/see/talk to my brother-in-law (my sis's husband), I immediately go back in my mind to a visit to Shoney's. Linus loved Shoney's when she was little because the manager always chatted with her and played with her. It didn't hurt that she also gave Linus a balloon each visit too. Shoney's had breakfast bar on Wednesday nights, which Linus loved. We loved it too because we knew she'd eat well; Linus could eat her weight in fruit, but hated all things meat. At that point in time, she still ate some vegetables too, which were always on the bar.

Linus is a complete ham and will go to great lengths to get people's attention. She works them until she gets a comment from them, or a nod at the very least. When she was little, she delighted in running up to young guys (late teens/very early twenties) and saying, "Daddy!" as if they were her father and she hadn't seen them in a while. The guys almost always turned bright red and started explaining away to their girlfriends that they did not know who she was nor did they have children. The girls usually found it hysterical. She would also wiggle her hand out of our hands and run up to gray-hairs and get hugs. It's a good thing we live in a relatively safe town! Anyway, she always goes to great lengths to capture attention.

We were near the end of our Shoney's meal, Linus had gathered her fair share of attention, and "the event" happened. Army was eating some pineapple, and Linus wanted it. She begged, "Pease, Daddy" and "Apple! Pease!" Army handed her a piece, but that didn't make her happy. She pointed to his fork, but since she wasn't feeding herself with utensils at that point (at least not large adult forks), we didn't really think much of it. She pointed again, so he tried again to hand her another piece of pineapple. Linus NEVER got upset as a baby, so what happened next shocked us. She pointed to the fork and wailed, "Fok" (I'm sure you can imagine exactly what naughty word it sounded like!) As I shushed her, Army did exactly what we thought she wanted. He put a piece of pineapple on the fork to feed her. Another shriek. "FOK!" At this point all of her new "friends" that she had made were looking at our table. "FOK! FOK! FOK!" I'm not kidding, nearly all eyes were on us at this point. I'm trying to decide if I want to slip under the table or pick her up and take her out. Since her highchair was in the way, it took me a second to attempt to swoop her up and take her out. It all happened in that extra second it took me. She pointed to the fork and yells at the top of her lungs, "FOK!" then she points to herself and yells, "ME!" So for the most part, she yelled, "FOK ME!" for the other patrons to hear. The place erupted in laughter. I turned five shades of red. Linus learned to bow at a young age (always the entertainer), so she bowed as best she could in her highchair, then she began clapping for herself. It was quite a while before we returned!

An Extra (extra) Dose of Embarrassment

A few months ago, we packed up and headed to my sister's city for a nice weekend with family. My sis has plenty of room, but since Linus is full of personality, we always get a hotel. Generally we get a Residence Inn type suite and share it with my parents. During our last trip down, the fire alarm went off at 4 in the morning, and we all had to evacuate, so we chose a different location, and we knew we'd be saved the drama this time. Seriously, I should know better. Friday was great, SaturDAY was great. Our plans for Saturday evening were to leave Linus with her cousins and my brother-in-law's parents while we drove about an hour away to a wedding. My mother had been in that city all day visiting her sister and friends, and we were going to meet her. After a late lunch and a few errands with my sister, my father, Army, Linus, and I filled up the SUV with gas so we wouldn't have to stop on the way to or from the wedding. After filling up, we showered, got dressed, and headed to my sister's to drop off Linus and pick up sis and bro-in-law. Dang it if the car doesn't start. At all. No cranking, nothing. We call OnStar. They were no help. My father and Army discuss what could be wrong, and Linus immediately offers that it must be the gasoline. We were stuck in that town for two days while our car was repaired. On the final day, we walked from our hotel to Chili's for lunch. Despite my repeated pleas, Linus just could not manage to use her inside voice. The she did it. She managed to embarrass Army and me so badly that we both turned every shade of red. After announcing that we lost her panties (to clarify, we lost an entire package of panties, but we had plenty more), she announced to the entire restaurant, "WE HAD TO STAY AT A HOTEL LAST NIGHT BECAUSE WE HAVE BAD GAS!" I wanted to crawl under the table. Remember her thoughts as to why the car didn't work? She thought the gas we put in Saturday made the car stop working. NOBODY else in the restaurant knew that she was talking about gasoline though! Ugh!

An Extra Dose of Embarrassment!

I took Linus to lunch at a local restaurant that I love in the town where my parents live. It was just the two of us. Here's our conversation:

Linus: Mommy, look at his pecker.
Me: Linus, let's play I spy. I spy with my little eye something green.
Linus: Is it the leaf, Mommy? Look, he has a pecker too!
Me: Ok, Linus, your turn. What do you spy?
Linus: I spy something blue. (then a guy walks by and she looks in his direction). Look Mommy he has a big pecker!
Me: (thinking...blue...blue...find something BLUE!)
Linus looks in another direction and says, "and he has a small pecker"
Me: Um, blue! Uh, could it be that chair?
Linus: No
Me: (BLUE, BLUE, find something blue!), could it be that picture?
Linus: No, look mommy, his pecker is hard and looks old!
Me: Linus, shhh, we'll talk about that later!
Linus: Why Mommy, don't you see his pecker?
Me: Linus, ssshhhhh!
Linus: Look, Mommy, his pecker is different colors! And llllooooooonnnnnggggg! Then she points up near the ceiling.

I looked up and there was a parrot! The restaurant has fake trees with lots of parrots! She was talking about the parrot's beak!

Whoosh, big sigh of relief! Still embarrassed, but sooo glad my 4 year old princess doesn't know that kind of pecker!